SPORT
FOOTIE RETURNS JUST IN TIME Nation's racist hooligans rejoice as new football season arrives, xenophobic anger to be regularly released in stadiums again
PARIS SPORTS DOPING CONVENTION HIT BY TRAIN CHAOS Vandalism on the rails causes mass disruption, sports science experiments go full steam ahead anyway
PARIS OLYMPICS ON STRIKE 2024 Olympic Games in France goes on strike, athletes stay in bed and chill
POE WAY JOSE Dogs, darkness and desperation - Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe predicts Spain victory in Euros final
SAD BIG HEAD Lonely England rugby player had head stuck between fridge and cupboard all weekend, now just wants "to be left alone"
WHERE'S RONALDO Aging Portuguese footballing legend develops camouflage football kit in order to stay competitive
BAD PONG Table tennis and Badminton to be merged into one sport - "I don't know how we are expected to do this", whines official
