DANCING WITH THE FAR RIGHT Prominent right-wing activist Tommy Robinson set to join Strictly Come Dancing, doesn't "want any violence"

LIKE FLIES ON SH*T Piers Morgan interested in Strictly Come Dancing darkness, "I just want to be touched before I die!"

STRICTLY EVIL BOSSES UNMASKED Ringleaders of terror ballroom dancing group named for the first time as empire crumbles

CAPTAIN HOLDEN Amanda Holden sensationally confesses to being Captain Tom, rebuilding controversial new spa pool complex

STRICTLY CURSE STRIKES AGAIN Murder on the dancefloor as 'multiple bodies found' under Strictly building, awful clown rumours

SARNIE SHOCKER Love Island star claims to have never made a sandwich and "thought they were grown in labs"

TRUMP ON ME Brit politicians fly to America for windy face-sitting sessions with Donald Trump, hoping good luck rubs off

DEMO-CAT GEORGE George Galloway bid to replace Joe Biden as Democrat candidate in the presidential battle against Donald Trump in November

UNSEEN GREENS The BBC accused of cancelling Green Party and showcasing far-right Reform Party instead - can explain it, but denies it anyway

KEIR STARMER CALLS ELECTION New PM calls for immediate election after reality check, claims "We're all going to hell!"

HOLY FARG Nigel Farage flees Clacton job to become Belgian monk because "Brexit Means Brexit"

DIE KING DIE Keir Starmer's three-word response to rumours of forthcoming Dubai Christmas boxing match vs King Charles

FOOTIE RETURNS JUST IN TIME Nation's racist hooligans rejoice as new football season arrives, xenophobic anger to be regularly released in stadiums again

PARIS SPORTS DOPING CONVENTION HIT BY TRAIN CHAOS Vandalism on the rails causes mass disruption, sports science experiments go full steam ahead anyway

PARIS OLYMPICS ON STRIKE 2024 Olympic Games in France goes on strike, athletes stay in bed and chill

POE WAY JOSE Dogs, darkness and desperation - Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe predicts Spain victory in Euros final

SAD BIG HEAD Lonely England rugby player had head stuck between fridge and cupboard all weekend, now just wants "to be left alone"

WHERE'S RONALDO Aging Portuguese footballing legend develops camouflage football kit in order to stay competitive

ROGUE ROYAL Senior royal 'considered dangerous' on the loose in London - not been seen for over a week, says King

EDL ED HELL Far-right thugs with erectile dysfunction can only get sexually aroused in hate-filled riots, "harder together"

MUSK HAIR TRAP CULT CONFESSION Joining the Donald Trump personality cult made my head hair grow back - now I'm frightened he'll make me bald as a coot if I leave

GLOBAL IT OUTAGE Clown strike! Just where have all the evil clowns gone? And what has a clown strike got to do with airports and payment systems?

CITY DISAPPEARS OVERNIGHT "It was here yesterday lol," says man returning from big night out in Kettering

MISSING 'GENIUS' Frenchman disappears with stranger's dog inside locked toilet in McDonald's - "I am very clever!"

BUG GONE Is this the last insect on earth?

HUMAN SPECIES DISAPPOINTS Is it time to hand over the reins to the other animals or are we still fit to rule earth?

UKRAINIANS GO TO MARS, SAYS TRUMP Donald Trump and Alan Musk to transport Ukrainians to Mars in January, clearing Ukraine for Putin's Russian lebensraum plan

TRUMP FOR FOUR YEARS 💨 Donald Trump elected president of the United States of America

PARIS OLYMPICS ON STRIKE 2024 Olympic Games in France goes on strike, athletes stay in bed and chill

MISSING 'GENIUS' Frenchman disappears with stranger's dog inside locked toilet in McDonald's - "I am very clever!"