DANCING WITH THE FAR RIGHT Far-right activist Tommy Robinson to join Strictly Come Dancing, doesn't "want any violence"

LIKE FLIES ON SH*T Piers Morgan interested in Strictly Come Dancing, "I just want to be touched before I die!"

STRICTLY EVIL BOSSES UNMASKED Terror ballroom dancing group ringleaders named for first time as empire crumbles

CAPTAIN HOLDEN Amanda Holden believes she is Captain Tom, rebuilding controversial new spa pool complex

STRICTLY CURSE STRIKES AGAIN Murder on the dancefloor as 'multiple bodies found' under Strictly building

SARNIE SHOCKER Love Island star claims to have never made a sandwich, "thought they were grown in labs"

GET CARTER! Conor McGregor gatecrashes former US president Jimmy Carter‘s funeral, bodyslams coffin

TRUMP ON ME Brit politicians fly to US for windy face-sitting sessions with Trump, hoping luck rubs off

DEMO-CAT GEORGE George Galloway bid to replace Joe Biden in the presidential battle against Donald Trump

UNSEEN GREENS Beeb accused of cancelling Green Party and showcasing Reform Party instead

KEIR STARMER CALLS ELECTION New PM calls for immediate election after reality check, claims "We're all going to hell!"

HOLY FARG Nigel Farage flees Clacton job to become Belgian monk because "Brexit Means Brexit"

I'LL MAKE UNWOKE MILDWART GREAT AGAIN! World's richest man to buy England's most racist football club

FOOTIE SAVES THE DAY Hooligans rejoice as football season arrives, xenophobic anger to be regularly released in stadiums again

DOPING CONVENTION TRAIN CHAOS Vandalism on the rails causes mass disruption, sports science experiments continue

PARIS OLYMPICS ON STRIKE 2024 Olympic Games in France goes on strike, athletes stay in bed and chill

POE WAY JOSE Dogs, darkness and desperation - Ghost of Edgar Allan Poe predicts Spain victory in Euros final

SAD BIG HEAD Lonely England rugby player had head stuck between fridge and cupboard all weekend, now just wants "to be left alone"

ROGUE ROYAL Senior royal 'considered dangerous' on the loose in London - not been seen for over a week, says King

ED HELL Far-right thugs with erectile dysfunction can only get sexually aroused in hate-filled riots, "harder together"

MUSK HAIR CONFESSION Joining Trump cult made my hair grow back - now I fear he'll make me bald again if I leave

GLOBAL IT OUTAGE Where have all the evil clowns gone? And what has a clown strike got to do with airports and payment systems?

CITY DISAPPEARS OVERNIGHT "It was here yesterday lol," says man returning from big night out

MISSING 'GENIUS' Frenchman disappears with stranger's dog inside locked toilet in McDonald's - "I am very clever!"

BUG GONE Is this the last insect on earth?

HUMAN SPECIES DISAPPOINTS Is it time to hand over the reins to the other animals or are we still fit to rule earth?

UKRAINIANS TO MARS Trump to transport Ukrainians to Mars, clearing Ukraine for Putin's lebensraum plan

TRUMP FOR FOUR YEARS 💨 Donald Trump elected president of the United States of America

PARIS OLYMPICS ON STRIKE 2024 Olympic Games in France goes on strike, athletes stay in bed and chill

MISSING 'GENIUS' Frenchman disappears with stranger's dog inside locked toilet in McDonald's - "I am very clever!"